So it has come to this another NRL season preview

Thought I’d heard enough previews this year that I would write an article myself. Also thought why not borrow a Bill Simmons device and use quotes from a film or show to sum up the situation (hardly stealing if he hasn’t done it for ten plus years). Went with The Simpsons because lets be honest it’s probably the easiest show to use without getting too niche for a first article. I’ve noticed must pundits don’t pick teams in actual positions anymore for fear of blowback from fans but I’ve decided to go with it because after all who really knows what they are talking about anyway. I’ve also picked where teams could slide to on the ladder to cut me some slack. It’s a lot so I don’t expect anyone to read it all maybe just your own team and any feedback is appreciated. An AFL preview based on Happy Gilmore quotes is also in the works. Without further ado behold my season preview… it’s craptacular.  

Please don’t tell people how I live

Like Lenny’s house it’s best not to look inside these clubs at the moment.

17. St George Illawarra Dragons

Homer: "Fidleedee that will require a tetanus shot".

Translates to: Theres a lot of pain here and it’s best not to think about it.

Positives: A team that’s in for a lot of pain the more they think about it. Not a lot of positives outside of acquiring Flanagan as their new coach and most of the bad player influences are gone (after taking a hammering from the media). The problem is they have fewer senior player influences also with Ben Hunt nearly checked out and a lot riding on Jack De Belin and Blake Lawrie, while you would not expect Raymond Faitala Mariner’s who has been under fire for his training levels at another underperforming club to lift their standards now. Not signing Nofoaluma was a decent bit of restraint and at least shows some progress towards a vision.

Negatives:Volkmans injury dampened a potential flyer that could have improved their direction. In a double blow it means Kyle Flanagan moves into the six role which without a lot of go ahead from the pack around him and an ageing Ben Hunt probably does not spell success. When a utility/hooking role seemed to bring out the best of his skill set last season. Big make or break season for Zac Lomax who has been listed as playing all over the backline this pre-season would be an ideal time for him to stand up in this situation. Having Blake Lawrie as the POTY last season again highlights their lack of impact or excitement in the club. I worry too that Ben Hunt has lost a step after carrying them for a while and is likely only to be an impact player if he gets a move to a club with a greater supporting cast.

Expect: Some brave performances and potentially some unexpected players to stand up but most likely a lot of trust in the process press conferences, poor board management and being linked to bidding for every potential off contract or unhappy star player under the sun ala the Bulldogs of the last several years.

Slide: 17th-15th Jump some spots if everything goes right or a lot goes wrong for others.

16. Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs

Homer: “Yeah that’s one fine looking BBQ, why doesn’t mine look like that”.

Translates to: we have a lot of the same pieces good sides have why aren’t we cooking like the others.

Positives: Several acquisitions this season have the potential to be key parts with Crichton being a top level centre and Curran being an effective workhorse. Several off-cuts show potential to be key contributors like Tracey, Tafffe and Hutchison. While Xerri will have a lot of what ifs and people to prove wrong. Jacob Preston was a standout last season collecting POTY even while playing with a busted shoulder for half the season and should continue that progress with Curran to take some of that pressure off him on the opposite side or from lock. A lot of exciting under 21 players are not too far away.

Negatives: I think a lot of people rightfully detract from the team due to their spine with an uncertain fullback, Burton working with a different partner each week and even Mahoney who antagonises often at the wrong times like a reverse Ennis inspiring packs that already roll over them to do so aggressively. I think the biggest issue is the front row until they get some players that can at least get the team moving forward it does not really matter who is playing in the spine. Max King is a decent workhorse but without impact from others does not solve the issue likewise Liam Knight. Kikau has the power take some pressure of these guys if they change his focus to more impact running and he is in the shape to back up on defense. But I think some big seasons are starting to take their toll on him.

Expect: Some decent performances and some downright terrible performances the players just aren’t there to expect much more. A lot of work has been put in and quality juniors are coming but not soon enough to help this side. Should put some points on teams that come unprepared.

Slide: 17th-13th 

15. Wests Tigers

Apu: "He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had".

Translates to: two ways of reading this one Sheens (his prickly relationship with the media) and parts of the board leaving along with hopefully any utterance of 2005 should mean positive steps forwards. Likewise Benji Marshall taking the top job officially and moving forward with an imperfect squad that may eventually get the job done.

Positives: If Bula kicks on from last season he will be a truly exciting prospect for the club likewise if Koroisau can stay out there his energy will boost the youthful club undoubtedly. The chance for Fainu or Sullivan to step this season and put themselves forward to partner Laui could be an storyline throughout. While Tupou and Toa have tries in them and having a more structured side around them could boost this. The Olam deal is one that has been poorly represented in the media, while losing Blore is not ideal this was happening anyway next season and they have instead got a return for their asset. Olam along with Staines and Naden all need a big year after disappointing recent returns. Papali’I could also benefit from the change in structure and a more mobile side.

Negatives: Both the pack and the backs are maybe a little too raw to expect too much from yet while their veterans like Klemmer, Sezer and Bateman may be a little past their absolute best but still may be asked to contribute that level of performance. For once the media has been incredibly optimistic towards the Tigers chances this year with several having them push for the finals. I think it is too soon for that discussion but the get of Shane Richardson and having a staff who align with each other says the only way is up.

Expect: Some of the most exciting football on offer at times while same games (particularly against impactful forward packs) they will come up short. The halves are probably the biggest issue and how they manage them will really be telling for their fortunes. This is a team where the sum of their parts matters more than star power.

Slide: 17th12th 

Didn’t that movie have a war in it

Weren’t these sides contenders not long ago.

14. Parramatta Eels

Skinner: "I’ll call it…. Billy & The Cloneasaurus".

Translates to: This idea has been done better previously and this is clearly a poor derivative version of it.

Positives: They still have a decent half pairing locked down and on paper an imposing forward pack. Possibly an unpopular opinion but Clint Gutherson is the ideal fullback for them as his fitness, work rate and organisation makes up for a real lack of it from anyone else in the backline which might explain the receding hairline. Hands has been a decent option since the unfortunate end to Hodgsons career. While backrowers Cartwright, Hopgood, Matterson offer some mobility and work that the front row may not. While Greig and Tuilagi are both of an age where they can offer upside to the pack.

Negatives: The elephant in the room is the size and age of key front rowers RCG and Paulo which is not ideal for the current speed of the game nor is the wear and tear from previous seasons. Big year for Sivo as the meters he delivers dry up and the work on the defensive side not up to standard if those tries dry up he could be in the Nofoaluma all stars by going from being a hero in a underdog/up and coming team to and underperformer/problem in a bad side. Same could be said for other backline members but with less expectation. Big year for Arthur needs to get the most out of the bit part players which historically he has not.

Expect: If the side stays injury free particularly the front rowers and Gutherson who got injured last season than expect a push towards the finals but if they do go down it could get grim quickly. Either way they don’t strike me as a team to watch unless Moses and Brown take their pairing to another level.

Slide: 14th-9th 

13. Canberra Raiders

Abe Simpson: "It’ll happen to you one day too".

Translates to: Once the most formidable pack with a solid backline and decent halves have been ravaged by age and player movement.

Positives: They still have Young, Tapine and Horsburgh who aren’t too old and offer a lot of go forward. While Weekes, Strange, Stewart & Savage with the right mentoring could all offer something to spark the Raiders ageing squad. You know with Stuart in charge below par performances are kept to a minimum so I don’t expect the bottom to completely fall out of them, but I do expect him to have his work cut out for him.

Negatives: The lack of certainty around several places in the team and Stuart’s tendency to chop and change with poor performance does nothing to help persuade me otherwise. How much can we expect out of Rapana, Papali’I  & Whitehead at this point is another deterrent. Big year for Kris to show more consistency. While there may be some unexpected pressure on Fogarty if he can’t gel with his half pairing. The loss of Wighton is a huge one but maybe less so than we thought with him and Stuart seemingly having a difference of opinions on his role within the team.

Expect: A tough season last year really got a lot of the juice that was left in this side think an old heavyweight boxer if you get caught you are in for a world of pain but most contenders should work their way around that.

Slide: 16th- 9th 

Can I come too? (window going up).

Couple of sides coming along for the ride.

12. The Dolphins

Mr Burns: "We’ll take the Spruce Moose now hop in “click click” I said hop in".

Translates to: Just do what the old man says and nobody gets hurt.

Positives: Well they still have that old Storm man core of Fin Diesel and the Bromwich’s (Bomwichii?, Bromwiches?) but then you add in the aggression of Flegler and a fit Gilbert. Teams are going to remember coming up against this Dolphins pack. Likewise, you still have HTF, Niu and Isaako in the backline alongside a decent option in Farnsworth and a wildcard in Avarillo and an up and comer in Bostock. Whats not to like?

Negatives:  The halves just aren’t it, obviously Katoa still has plenty of time to develop into the player they need but the trio of Milford, O’Sullivan & Nikorima are all more bridging players ( perhaps until Hunt or Townsend arrives) more than anything. Alongside that a lot of the other players in the squad have played a lot of football for their ages. Injuries and suspensions impact everyone but I feel like it will be more important for this side.

Expect: A real scrap every week but similar to last season the sum of their parts not quite equalling success but an improvement. Add to that the potential it is Bennetts last season with the club and they could surprise some still.

Slide: 15th- 8th 

11. Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles

Homer: "Oh well of course everything looks bad if you remember it".

Translates to: How bad were they at the end of last season and how much can that carry into the next season.

Positives: Obviously Having a fit Trbojevic brothers and the leadership of DCE causes all sorts of panic amongst sides. Some handy backline players in Saab, Paulo, Garrick, Parker and Talau offer some points of attack. While a change of scenery and a leader next to him will at least allow Luke Brooks some respite from the media and a clubs expectations. Olakau’atu re-signing is a bright spot and should he continue to develop he will cement himself as the most damaging second rower in the game.

Negatives: Unfortunately this is probably the most negative I will be toward a club. It’s obvious to state that Tom Trbojevic cannot be relied upon to stay fit for an extended period of time as his body continues to betray him what is more worrying is that I think Jake is heading for a similar situation given the workload and his age. The additions of Lodge and Brown can be seen as adding depth and experience at a cut rate price. I can also see it as them having a lack of faith in what the rest of the pack can do although Bullemor and Paseka could also continue to develop and cut down Jake and Haumole’s workload. Schuster signing the deal he has can only be seen as negligence from the agent and clubs part as the expectations seem to have already created a heavy burden that may not be aided by the downturn in fortunes of the club.

Expect: A real mixed bag the problem is I don’t think a fully firing fit squad is enough to get the job done for this team anymore. Although it would definitely place them in the finals. If it goes badly in the opposite direction I can see a real slide down the table.

Slide: 14th- 5th 

My name is Mr. Burns I believe you have a package for me?

These sides are nearly pulling off finals just can’t answer all of the questions.

10. Gold Coast Titans

Millhouse: "It smells funny  in there?" 

Homer: "No it Doesn’t".

Translates to: How  much of the Titans can Des fix despite the board being iffy and the club culture consistently poor.

Positives: I think quite a lot and it is only really the high standard of clubs in the NRL that has them stopping short of being an immediate contender. Tino, Fifita, Fermor and Fotuaika make for a scary pack of forwards that will more than compete with the rest of the league and be ideal for a Hasler led side. While Campbell. Sami and AKP make for some exciting backs. I feel there is no way the club goes backwards with these players firing and them going through a Hasler pre-season. Palasia is a nice impact get from the Broncos also.

Negatives:The spine leaves me a bit cold. Foran has been a tremendous player in his time particularly under Des and will have as big a pocket to play in as possible I still think relying on him is a hard sell. Reliable but not spectacular players at half and hooker with decent enough upside  Boyd and Verrills could be the difference makers. The early move to elect Campbell FB and A.J. into the centres/halves could be a classic under the radar move or it could impact chemistry.

Expect: A much improved side with something to prove and you can never write off Des but I expect the other sides might have a bit much for the Titans to really make a dent in the competition this time around.

Slide: 12th-5th 

9. Cronulla Sutherland Sharks

Jasper: "200 channels and nothing but cats".

Translates to: A team full of a lot of the same players in positions that don’t stand out.

Positives: Theres far worse playmakers to rely on than Nico Hynes. While they have a dearth of outside backs to attack with and points should not be a problem. With plenty of front rowers to combine and go forward with ( including another of the most rated underrated BHU). Brailey offers a reliable hooking option and is consistent as ever much like Finucane. While Mcinnes is an incredibly fit utility that can plug those gaps should injuries arise. Young sons of former players Iro and Dykes could have decent futures with the club and the return of the latter after an early season ACL to the squad will be a welcome return.

Negatives: Quantity over quality in a lot of their positions which is great if injuries occur but probably explains their inability to beat top eight sides. Who amongst the side of decent players steps up to become the great ones it’s this idea that has them more likely to be on the slide than to become contenders. Trindall is still only young but whether he fits as a half with Hynes remains to be seen. Rudolfs foot troubles give cause for concern as to whether he can build on previous seasons.

Expect: I had them a lot higher but then I had a real good look at them and I just don’t think theres enough strike there to cause real problems. I think statistically they look good but I just can’t see them doing it when it matters. Could sneak a finals spot but probably better if they don’t.

Slide: 9th-4th 

He’s gonna do something and you know it’s gonna be good.

Keep an eye on these sides.

8. NZ Warriors

Shop owner: “This Froghurt is also cursed” Homer: “That’s bad”.

Translates to: There is a lot to like about this side but comes with some concerning features.

Positives: Theres a lot to like about the warriors they have even added to their squad in a big way by signing RTS & Capewell. They have their most exciting backline since the early 00’s. With it being a genuinely tough call to slot RTS in FB/W or C. With him listed as a centre on the club website perhaps Berry or Pompey (both decent) could make way over the reliable but player you expect to move out in this situation Montoya. Having Johnson with an effective hooker in Egan this club will be hard to stop. One more year of AFB provided no fall out from his move gives them a devastating prop. While adding Capewell to the workhorse pair of Ford and Niukore alongside the fine wine Harris will mean they won’t be short of effort in their pack.

Negatives: The lack of another high impact prop is probably a bigger worry for the future but the reliance on a rotation of workmen like Barnett & Afoa puts them a fair way behind the elite sides. The need for CHT, Martin or Metcalfe to be dominant in the five eighth role to allow for continuity particularly if Johnson does get injured. I think a lot of sides will be less surprised by the Warriors this year but I also think the quality of mid range sides will have improved also.

Expect: A lot to like about this side and sneaking into the finals could be enough to allow them to have a decent crack at it (seemed like they were a tired side in last years finals). Just don’t like the reliance on Johnson (a huge injury risk) & AFB (Potential for fallout) to have them any higher.

Slide: 8th- 4th 

7. Sydney Roosters

Smithers: “But she’s got a new hat”.

Translates to: The same problems they had last year still exist you can’t tell me otherwise.

Positives: Dom Young could be a tremendous acquisition to bolster a backline that is just missing an impact of a prime Tedesco. Leniu no doubt adds some punch to the pack with May, Collins(in career best form) and a Savvy veteran JWH. Brandon Smith form by the end of the season suggests a better season this year while Billy Smith’s improvement creates a welcome selection dilemma.

Negatives: Age and future deals loom large over this side Tupou, JWH, Keary and to a lesser extent Tedesco all being on the downward slope certainly does not make for an exciting prospect. While Manu, Suaalii and likely Crichton heading to union must lead to some questions over their commitment. Walker has to take charge of this side rumours of moves for other halves whenever they’re possibly available suggests the chooks are not confident in their pairing. Radley also needs to stay fit and not suspended to give this side their best chance.

Expect: Much of the same from this side there will either be a hot start and a slide or much the same as last season I think too much has to go right to have them as contenders they have to show something this year or maybe Robinson might start to feel some pressure.

Slides: 10th-3rd 

6. Newcastle Knights

Mr Burns:“All right you ragtag group of misfits, you hate me and, I hate You”.

Translates to: AOB to all but one of the players most of the time, probably.

Positives: Have the Dally M winner playing consistent football ( Dally M is always a bit of backhanded compliment generally means the rest of your side isn’t offering enough to take votes off of you or rarely you are so much better than everyone else). Best re-signing and finding form didn’t hurt either alongside Frizell doing what he does best. Having three reasonably reliable halves in Hastings/Gamble/Cogger is a good problem to have. While the addition of Kai Pearce-Paul could add some extra go ahead as could Pryce. Re-signing O’Brien will add some stability to their plans although three years goes against my rule of never signing someone for longer than you have to when there is no demand.

Negatives: I think Young was as impactful at times as Ponga and I don’t know whether their additions replace that. Marzhew is decent but his hands betray him at times. While the Saifiti bros aren’t getting any younger neither are Hetherington and Elliott. I think Thompson has the potential to go a step further this season and will need to. The reliableness of the halves is a good thing but I think their level of play has them below the top sides. Brailey staying fit would be a massive boost and would stop them relying on the most rated underrated player in the world in Crossland. Will be interesting to see how Armstong is used this season and if the only way he gets into first grade is Ponga related.

Expectations: A team that could go as high as top four but also slide slightly lower than where I have them. Theres a lot to like and Ponga could carry them further than what the squad suggests my gut feeling is that they don’t.

Slide: 9th- 4th 

5. South Sydney Rabbitohs

Moleman: “That’s not a knife this is a knife…. Down I go”.

Translates to: A very dangerous side but they may be a little unevenly distributed.

Positives: Plenty of decent backline options with Mitchell fit and Wighton with plenty to prove and a comp to win. Murray and Koloamatangi are pound for pound the best lock and second row in the comp or at least in the argument with Arrow and Duncan hanging around also. Walker still has game changing ability and Cook is still as fit as ever. On paper it’s a daunting prospect.

Negatives: I really don’t like their front row particularly if it has to match other contenders don’t get me wrong Tom Burgess has been a more than serviceable player but if that’s your main man there I don’t see premierships the rest like Keppie, Tatola and Suluka-Fifita fill a role but don’t fill you with confidence. Ilias is far from a sure thing at half as well he’s going to have a lot of demand for the ball and the spotlight is going to be brighter than ever. A number of early injuries is not ideal but should not impact them too much. Demitriou will be looking for a big start or the knives will be out.

Expect: This might be the hardest one  to nail down it all goes right first isn’t out of the question but I think that is asking too much this will be a season that relies on the stars far more than the team collective. Much improved but maybe not as much as expected.

Slide: 10th-2nd 

The bus that couldn’t slow down.

Try and stop these teams. 

4. North Queensland Cowboys

Willie: “Ya used me Skinner, Ya used me”.

Translates to: You’ve looked promising before and disappointed us.

Positives: This and the surrounding sides are the most likely to tank my rankings but with some explanation you can see why you would buy their stock. They have some pretty good players in the right spots a potential backline of Luki, Nanai and Cotter with a young gun Finefeuiaki waiting in the wings and ideally JT storming off the bench for maximum impact and you are going to be a mobile aggressive side. Add to that they are running off Robson and Granville with Dearden steering the ship and it gets pretty exciting. Not to forget Drinkwater at the back who is the most under rated although somewhat rated player just because of how clutch he can be. A full season for Neame could be an exciting prospect too. Taulagi and Holmes are no mugs either.

Negatives: Halfback is an issue Townsend is a capable game manager but hardly leading the line and neither is Clifford. Townsend probably offers enough as long as Dearden has the keys. The front row is an area that could improve with the reliable Mclean in his last season he will look to give it one last push. But more needs to come from Hess if the side is truly going to capitalise on their talents. The other elephant in the room is how they handle the veterans who could be moving on. I see Leilua moving on as a positive as he’s getting a bit too old for potential to be brought up in conversations. While Taumalolo’s contract is tough particularly with Deardens extension and the amount of talent they have in the area some big performances will be needed if he doesn’t want to wear the red v. Townsend is another and that how that situation is handled could really impact not only their current season but future.

Expect: An exciting team that means business this time around, too shaky to truly contend but will be thereabouts and if they sneak up a bit higher you never know. Big year for that young set of backrowers along with Neame and their outlook is very different to last season.

Slide: 10th-2nd 

3. Melbourne Storm

Barney: “I am so Krunchy the clown”.

Translates to: They are similar but something isn’t quite right.

Positives: Few sides can match the halves pairing of Hughes and Munster who is never satisfied with  just doing well and can be trusted to keep the side consistent. The return of Papenhuyzen to a side that finished 3rd last season will be welcomed and we can only hope it goes without injury. Warbrick, Coates and Meaney offer solid back options. While Grant leading a pack boosted by the addition of Blore and another year adjusting for Chan could add fire to a pack that’s a bit leaner than usual

Negatives: It just isn’t the team of old that depth of forwards isn’t there and the backs do really need to fire. The front row is getting pretty old despite being reliable NAS, Welch and King have it all to do. Papenhuyzen staying fit to keep that attack ticking along is crucial despite Meaney being a solid fill in and having Faalogo waiting in the wings. This just doesn’t feel like the Storm of old can see this being Bellamy’s last year and that could inspire a big effort.

Expect: Typical Storm who will be workmanlike throughout the season and despite the occasional poor game will finish thereabouts. I don’t see them contending at the end of the year but stranger things have happened, and if Munster doesn’t know what he is going to do how do his opponents.

Slide: 9th-2nd 

 Your ideas are intriguing to me, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Everyone is following these two.

2. Penrith Panthers

Kirk: “I sleep in a racing car, do you?”. Homer: “I sleep in a big bed with my wife”.

Translates to: 3 straight premierships, yourself?

Positives: They have kept a large portion of a squad that has won three premierships. JFH and Leota go forward better than anyone else. Edwards makes easy meters, few finish better than To’o, play harder than Martin, move the ball like Yeo or control the game like Cleary. Have they gotten better? No. Did they need to? No. Sorensen has earned a spot as a starter Geyer, Garner and Eisenhuth should more than compensate as bench players.

Negatives: Crichton is a big loss to their backs and perhaps Luai’s leaving could create some discontent but it has rarely done when they have lost others, so I don’t see it happening here. Extra games every year eventually take their toll hence why I’ve predicted them to finish second but to win the premiership.

Expect: More of the same maybe it gets hairier in the regular season especially with some injuries like in previous campaigns, but I doubt it impacts them too much.

Slide: 3rd-1st 

1. Brisbane Broncos

Zookeeper: "Like people some are just jerks … stop that Mr. Simpson".

Translates to: the Broncos of old are back and the early antics off the field have created the perfect NRL siege mentality that big clubs thrive on.

Positives: Another year of Walsh, Mam & Reynolds pronged attack can’t be a bad thing. Alongside the ever reliable Haas, Carrigan and improved Walters. With some added impetus from Staggs, Cobbo, Arthars and Riki. Another year older for the young side with a point to prove and scrutiny from the media should be exactly what this side needs to take out the minor premiership.

Negatives: Their loses are some key elements losing the grunt of Flegler and a useful back in Farnworth not enough to derail them but I do think enough to give the Panthers the edge in the finals.

Expect: More of the same especially if Arthars, Riki, Walters, Hetherington and Mariner bring what is expected from them as I can’t see Mam, Walsh or Haas taking a backwards step. The team to beat in the regular season and while I don’t think they are better than Penrith their energy and enthusiasm should see them through the regular season.

Slide: 1st-5th 

I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!

Any location will do just put our logo on it.

TBA The Bears

They are back in PNG/Perth/Central Queensland/Adelaide/Central Coast form.

Thanks for reading new articles on the streets won't forget nrl jerseys/teams and my own selected all star categories will be out in the near future. If you follow that Shelbyville sport (AFL) I'll have a Happy Gilmore inspired season preview soon enough.